I should have figured it all out by just looking at your name, shouldn't I? Your door was sealed right from the very beginning, and still I was naive and stubborn enough to try to open it a long time ago. I really did regret it for a very long time. During that period of my life, I tried to deny the fact that I did some stupid things when I was desperately searching for the key.
The reason for my denial was the realization of my own desperation during the process of draining myself of all emotional and intellectual resources. You know I really did try everything. I knocked, picked, poked, searched for a hidden key under the flower vases, looked around for a hidden button, muttered “open sesame” and made myself look like a total idiot, yet I didn't make any progress. Of course all of them are figurative, but I'm not so sure about the part about making myself look like an idiot. Despite my diligence, for some reason, you gladly opened the door for someone else you didn't even know, even if he didn't give any useful effort. I might consider you reasonable if I count in my occasional idiocy, but nonetheless I despised your sexual magnetism-based method of selection, which is now one of the reasons for my logic-based beliefs. I struggled a little while more, but eventually I gave up. After some time, I heard that you did learn the hard way. It's hard to admit but I did murmur to myself, “what a waste”. I guess I'll leave it at that.
Denial was easy. I didn't have to think of you as anything else aside from another human being. I felt like nothing happened. Denial even brought me close to you again, as if I was an old friend of yours and as if we had at least half of our old friendship back. However, I realized not long ago that it's the wrong way to go. All of my stupidity with you really happened, and I should not deny them. Determination and admiration lifted me to the sky, and though it hurt like hell when I crashed, it was fun while the flight lasted. Denying everything was easier, but while I was in the spiral of denial, I couldn't talk about our past with anyone when you're in the vicinity.
Acceptance is a bitch, but believe it or not, I'm gonna endure it for the rest of my life because I want to keep everything real. I will be awkward around you, but the good thing about that awkwardness is the less probability of me feeling too close to you. I might smile when you smile because I am likely to remember that I used to love that smile, yet when I do, I shall try to hide it, for now I love the smile of another. I will appreciate your beauty as always, but will not dare to admire it as I've done before. From now on, whenever I voice out something that might make you blush, please see it as me being true to myself, instead of me acting like a rejected lover trying to rekindle a lost flame. Besides, I rarely say anything that's any good.
Acceptance is a pain in the ass, Ms. Doorseal. Whenever I see you, there will always be a knife prodding my chest, reminding me that the first person I wasn't scared of giving my all was you. Now that it's all in vain, you will forever be my pain—my eternal pain in the ass!
I faithfully hope you understand. Thank you very much.
Sincerely not yours when you're equally not mine,
SY Leong
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