I haven't been writing a serious blog for the past few months. Not such of an event that would interested me to write down in here, thus, it appeared to be very idle, which coherent with my laid-back attitude, I'd say this is just how I'm, I suppose.
Few months back, I've already sensed changes in both of us, to the extend we are almost strangers to each others. Not willing to stand out and converse, that's how it started when our bonds got loosen. Then to top it all, I used to think that I've at the least to have a stationary spot in that particular person's life, and it'll last through the end of our life-spans. Heck, I didn't know I was that naive to actually to come out with such a thought.
I had put my whole trust on what s/he said after that incident that brought me to the understanding of the delicate meaning of Friendship is. Both of us spent a lot of time with each other for the next few weeks or so. And there came, university entrance period. Both of us were going to different universities. Lucky me or how unlucky I'm to be, I was assigned to a university that is just 30 minutes from my home but with the course that I wanted all the time!
My university, on the other hand, isn't much of a famous university until its recent growth. I bet the earlier generation people haven't hear of my university name, therefore, putting me in an disadvantage when it comes to job interview.
Just imagine this:
Which university you're from? asked by the employee
XXX, I said
Sounds very unfamiliar to him, logically thinking of me from a university that happened to be quite recent (less competency, in other words). Knowing the situation a lot clear, I've told myself to do the very utmost to strive for 1st class honours to compensate for my university's reputation, that's what I want and mean to do so.
In times, I've got myself indulged fully into studies (didn't mean to boast myself), perhaps it's the thought of loosing out to people, that has indirectly motivated me to go full force on this matter, in turn I didn't come online and chat with him/er. I didn't know anything about his/er life in university for the past 6 months. When I think about it, I often point blame on myself, why I wasn't there with him/er? S/he, physically might look strong, yet deep in it, I know s/he isn't as strong as what most people would think. Because I've seen him/er fell, from there, I know how fragile s/he can be, without not many others' knowledge and from there, I know how unworthy I can be just because of my selfishness.
In a state of dilemma like that, I clearly know that we won't be close to each other like in the past. I chose to abandon him/er, and I know this is unforgivable when it comes to the word Friendship. As if I've thrown away his/er heart to a place I don't even remember where I've thrown to.
Recently, I came to realise s/he has found a better companion coming into his/er life. I'm very jealous, to be frank but that's the price I've paid for abandoning him/er at the first place. I couldn't go back to the previous path, where both of us are happily spending time together. I will, in fact, go on with my current life- that's the only thing I've a hang on now.
Question to, will we become friends again? Even if we become friends again, will we be able to be as close and happy like in the past? I've absolutely no answer nor manipulation towards that. I'll just let it flow, like how river is, on its own, to its own way.
Just to relief from either one of our pain, I've planned not to appear in his/er life as much as possible, that's the reason why I seldom come online. Truth is, I'm scare to see you face to face after my deeds. Assuming you'd forgive me for what I had did, for like you usually would, I still have to bare the burden that brought down to myself.
Fact is, I really miss the good old days, that's for sure... I love you as a best friend of yours.
We know from our youth how to be treated and how we'll be received and how we shall end; these things don't change.
You can change your clothes, change your hairstyle, your friends, cities, continents, but sooner or later your old self will always catch up.
You can change your clothes, change your hairstyle, your friends, cities, continents, but sooner or later your old self will always catch up.
Regards,
SY Leong
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